THE DUALITY OF PLEASURE
Disclaimer: This article is from the perspective of cis-gender heterosexual women
Authored By–
Samyuktha and Vipasha
The word ‘sex’ often gathers a lot of negative attention; specifically when spoken in public. It is deemed to be indecent to actively discuss about sexual life. Sexual intimacy is expected to be an experience that isn’t supposed to leave the threshold of a couple’s room, and should not make its way into routine conversations. Moreover, sex and sexuality is often viewed as an activity that is to be “merely performed” for procreation. This is still the widespread understanding of sex in the Indian society. Female pleasure and expression of sexuality has long been viewed from a hetero-patriarchal lens where she is seen as a passive entity who is the source of pleasure and not entitled to experience pleasure or even ask for it. Historically, women have been shamed whenever they have vocalised their desires. This mainly arises due to the fact that women’s desires and pleasures are in direct conflict with the so-called “moral ethos” of the patriarchal society that prioritises cis het male penile pleasure by virtue of it being necessary for reproduction . Any behaviour that deviates from this norm is seen as unaccepted and shamed.
For long, women have been told to behave in a certain way that fits the society’s definition of femininity–docile, obedient, patient, well behaved, and ‘sexually submissive’. Often, female pleasure is viewed as a subset of male pleasure. Women who indulge in pleasuring themselves through masturbation are often shamed for doing so, as it is deemed inappropriate for decent and civilised women to fantasise about their desires and pleasure. Patriarchy is deeply embedded in our psyche, fearing sexual liberation of women would undermine the masculinity subtly asserted during intercourse. High sexual drive and control over sexual intercourse has been one of the most prominent characteristics of heteronormative masculinity. It is interesting to note, that women’s bodies are hyper-sexualised under the male gaze but women seeking or owning their sexuality is seen as a threat for patriarchy.
Which also points out to the fact how just in 2009, the medical world got its First complete 3_ D sonography of the simulated clitoris with the help of French Researchers Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès. In the history of sexual anatomy, the clitoris has long been dismissed, demeaned, and misunderstood and now, we know that the clitoris is the most erogenous zone in the human body with around 8,000 nerve endings. It took humans more than 2,000 years to develop this understanding — despite the fact that a significant proportion of the population has clitoris.
One of the most commonly known and dominant forms of sexual intimacy is the penile-vaginal penetration. Though penetration, when pleasurable and comfortable to both partners is valid and good, the act of penetration should not be viewed as the ‘only act of sex’. This narrative reinforces the idea that everything that comes before penetration is merely just ‘foreplay’ and not the real act of sex. This is an entirely false narrative and everything and anything comes under the purview of actual sex as long as it consensual and pleasurable to both parties. Indulging in sexual intimacy merely to engage in penetration makes the act of sex rather performative. Simply put, it makes sex seem as something that has to be done in order achieve a certain end- procreation. Moreover, penetration may be uncomfortable and even painful to people, owing to several health issues. Therefore, not being able to engage in penetration should not hinder the sexual experiences and deem them to be incomplete.
The whole idea of penile-vaginal penetration and orgasms being given exalted status in the entire intercourse might stem from the depiction of sex in pornography. Porn depicts penetration as the end to sex and portrays women as having big, loud and theatrical orgasms. Women are very often depicted to have been enjoying this penetration, while the reality might be in total contrast to what is depicted on screen. Pornography is a medium which reinforces patriarchy as it places more emphasis on male pleasure when compared to female pleasure. Since mainstream sex education is almost absent in Indian society and elsewhere, unethical porn (which itself is oppressive) is one of the widespread ways to gain knowledge about sex. It mostly depicts women to be submissive during the intercourse, reinforcing the gender stereotypes and undermining the female sexual autonomy. Therefore, the scenes enacted by actors onscreen often get embedded in the public’s psyche and is perceived as the only ‘right way of having sex’. Thus, when real time sex experiences differ from porn, it leads to disappointment among people. However, it has to be understood that there is no umbrella definition or one standard way of experiencing sex. It differs for each one of us, which is often shaped by dynamics of gender and sexuality. The problem with depicting a certain way of having sex as the only appropriate way, is that it negates and nullifies the sexual experiences of all other people who choose to do it differently. It is necessary to understand that all varying sexual experiences are as valid as the popularised mainstream sexual experiences, as long as individuals’ consent and pleasure of all the parties involved are taken into consideration.
Consent in sexual intercourse has been tricky and complicated. Some partners may assume that having their partner’s consent to have intercourse is equal to having given consent to every act that can be done during an intercourse. This presumption is both dangerous and also false. Sex-positive feminism, a feminist movement that began in the 1980s, considered sexual liberation as an important aspect of women’s liberation. According to them, women should have the knowledge about their bodies and have access to consensual and safe sex. It also involves understanding one’s own sexual needs, acknowledging the importance of choice in a relationship, and being open to discussions about sex. Here, consent can be extended to not the mere act of engaging in sex but also to all the different types of acts explored while having sex. It is important for partners to seek consent while attempting something new and ask them if it’s pleasurable or rather painful. This is because the entire act of sex is about making the partner feel good.
The societal conditioning has shaped the popular understanding of sex and pleasure. There is a need to redefine this understanding. Sex is more about intimate experiences meaning different things/emotions to different people. Pleasure is often viewed with a lens that is laden with ideas of morality and chastity, and that is solely meant for men. Such long standing discriminatory views can be challenged by initiating conversations to address the elephant in the room, when we see consensual pleasure both as a need and a right of all the partners. Exploring one’s own body to pleasure and feel good is rather an act of empowerment, which provides everyone with autonomy over their body. It provides them a chance to look beyond traces of “perfect bodies”/ “perfect ways to indulge in a sexual act” and pushes them to find/ build their own understanding which fulfills their/the partners desires the most.
The Authors of this Article are Junior Research Managers at Rangeen Khidki Foundation
